the things we think but do not say

Why, oh why, do people wear those stupid little holsters to carry their cell phones? The example shown here is a particularly bad example, the ‘gun slinger’, as I like to call them, but all those crap, leatherette/molded plastic, cupping, gripping, no hand holding, holsters make you look like a twat.

Is it really too much to ask that you just carry the phone in you pocket? Or in a jacket pocket? Or even just in your hand? But yes, I understand that it’s more comfortable to have it attached to your hip… but at what cost I ask?
Three reasons to not wear your phone in a (hip or gun slung) holster.

A) You’ll look like a twat.
B) You’ll look like a twat.
C) You’ll look like a twat.

God help you if you double up with one of those god awful, bluetooth wireless headsets.

What is it about late night TV that makes me glued to QVC, HSN, and Shop at Home TV? I love/hate these channels but it’s that heady mix of crap, useless junk sold at rock bottom prices, and the passionate, ’sell ice cubes to eskimos’ sales techniques of the TV sales people. These people are more important to the show than any of the products these channels sell by the pallet load.

Every channel sells the classics like nose trimmers, silk dresses, gaudy jewelry, cosmetics etc, but my favourites shows are the ones where the “collectibles” come out. These shows are fascinating and completely weird. Now I’ve had my fair share of niche interests and hobbies, but the ‘Complete P&D Westward Journey Nickel and Gold Quarter Set‘ and the ‘The BU Peace and Morgan Trifecta‘ sets are way beyond what I would say is niche.

But the main reason I write this post is to bring your attention to the huge, and I can only assume growing, hobby/interest/field of psychological research, of knife collecting. WTF people? Why does anyone need this many swords? There’s over 150 sharp instruments in this collection! Blades, swords, bowies, tacticals, steak knives, cleavers, the works. (What’s a tactical anyway?)

From HSN’s ‘Guide to Getting Started with Knife Collecting’, “Knife collecting can be like collecting little pieces of history.” Another gem, “Bowies are considered the ‘king’ of collectibles”. Great. Oh and a great piece of advice for any good responsible knife owner, “wipe blades to remove fingerprints.” Good tip.

Seriously, what do you do with all these things? Where do you display this stuff? Next to your Big Mouth Singing Bass Fish?

This is all so bizarre to me.

Remember, “Buy what catches your eye instead of making choices based on trend or value. Focus on the years of enjoyment from owning a work of art or family heirloom.”

Get in on the ‘fastest growing hobby in America’ here.

After months and months of plain old slackassness, I’ve finally posted photos from my road trip with my girlfriend. We drove from Chicago to Memphis for about 10 hours through snow then sun. And by we, I mean, Sara drove. You see, I don’t have a driver’s license. At all. I have some driving experience, but compared to most 16 year old kids, it’s pretty pathetic.

The trip though was fan-bloody-tastic. We ate. We saw Graceland. We ate. We visited Stax Records. We Ate. We visited Sun Records. We ate again. I must have put on 10lbs after that long weekend.

The Graceland tour was the strangest part of the trip and it wasn’t so much the exhibits that freaked me out, as much as the fans making their pilgrimage. Lots of oddness. And surprising to me many of them were locals from neighboring states. When we came to the King’s final resting place, the solemness and the gravity of the gravesite held an aura that many take very seriously. I felt that we were not just visiting a legend of Rock and Roll but were in fact visiting a canonized Saint. The King Lives.

Here are the pics from the trip in two parts:

Memphis road trip part 1
Memphis road trip part 2

I went to IKEA this Sunday and completed one of my fastest Swedish adventures to date. In an unprecedented level of forward planning, my girlfriend and I went the weekend before on an IKEA reconnisence mission with the sole purpose of not buying anything. We wanted names, measurements and prices. I didn’t think we’d get out alive (ie, without a single purchase, not even those cute yellow AA batteries) but we did it.

Yesterday we executed our precision strike and it was sweet. Straight in, scoped out, aisle and bin numbers noted straight to check out. But somehow, despite the planning, we still ended up $100 over what we were expecting.

Why does IKEA creep always happen? Why is it impossible to leave IKEA without spending more than you expect?

What is it about those brightly coloured, under $10, psuedo swedish sounding named items that make their way into our crinkly yellow carryalls?

Damn you, Molger!
Damn you, Hovet!
Damn you Skyar!

I love IKEA, but damn that place adds up quick.

Friendster was such phenomena when it hit the web a few years back. When I saw it I went nuts and so did just about eveyone else I knew. Here was a chance to be cool by showing all your friends just how many ‘friends’ you had. But the whole sweet friendship status everyone maintained was a total conceit. Writing your ‘profile’ somehow always sounded like a online dating ad and things that ‘you’re into’ again was another platform to show off how obscure and orginal your tastes were.

And everyone was doing it. A wave from both coasts of ‘friends’ connecting with ‘friends’ spread over the country like a new Usher album; tolerable on first listen, but then you catch yourself and realise that this sounds like crap and wish everyone would forget it.

And then everyone did.

Almost as soon as it burst out, it became stale and crap. “Oh I think I’ve seen that girl on Friendster. Hmm. Great.”

And I think that Friendster’s main problem is that it was just too nice. Just too polite and just too damn friendly. Where were the bitter exchanges that real friends have? Where were the back stabbing, he said, she said, “damn she’s hot”, “I can’t believe she wore that outfit”, who’s sleeping with who banter that makes up a lot of real friendships?

Did I ever make any slanderous comments to my freinds? No way. I’m far too polite for that. I know the rules of social interaction as well as anyone, but Friendster could have been a way for us to lose some of those social restraints and say what we’ve always wanted to say.

I think that Friendster should have spun a site called “Bed of Snakes” or “Web of Lies” or “Rumour Mill” or even something as benign as “Who’s the bitch I heard you slept with last night?!”

Such a great opportunity missed.

I can’t keep this to myself any longer. I lasted a week but that’s it. My brother give me the tip off in an email the other day and asked if I wanted to get really cheap mp3 downloads ‘cause there’s this site see, and it’s cheap. It’s just like iTunes he says. Except it doesn’t cost as much.
“Cheap?”, I say.

“Yes” he says.

“How cheap?”

“Is 1 cent a megabyte cheap enough for you?”

“Holy shit.”

I had a peek and it looks for real. Does it look legit? Not sure. Will it last more than a week? Well, apparently it’s been around for a year, so who knows. How can this place sell at this price? I have absolutely no idea.

The majority of the songs on offer at this site are poptastic hits, so if you must have the latest Toby Keith album, or the newest Gwen Stefani LP then do it here without being embarrased at how much you paid for it. That being said, they have a fair selection of albums from every genre.

But this is the question: Is this (russian) site bringing about a new pricing model that completely smashes most other models to pieces? Are songs just data that you pay for at micro payment prices? Could this happen anywhere else? Can you imagine buying movies at 10 cent a gigabyte? There are a growing number of sites with a .ru domain, that are selling mp3s at rediculously affordable prices. Just doing a search for mp3+ru brings up tons of places that are all written in Cyrillic and have reviews (also in non roman characters), charts, albums, singles and weekly updates.

The site that I found the easiest to navigate (and the one I originally tried) is here. The only major gripe I have with them is that there’s no easy way to download a whole album at a time. Just each song. But if each song is 7c a piece I guess I can live with it.

Tee shirts are an interesting phenomena. Not only do they provide a small amount of covering on a mild autumnal day, but they also act as a signage that says something about the wearer. I think that apart from tee shirts that you sleep in, it’s hard to see anyone with just a plain tee shirt; one that doesn’t have some message, some logo, some cute phrase or some low-fi grfx on it.

Every tee shirt is a cheap message board for anyone to read.

‘Fatkins’ here, is a simple play on words. Originally designed when the country’s pursuit of Zero Net Carb’s got too much for me. Might not be that relevant anymore, ie. not that funny. Maybe you know someone that’s still on it.

I submitted this to Threadless just the other day. I have to see if anyone digs it there. But before I post more, I have to read through their legal documents to see who owns the artwork once it’s submitted.

Threadless is an interesting proposition. You submit artwork to them and place it on a tee shirt template. If they like the work, they then post it to their site for people to vote on and/or buy. If it’s a hit, it’s a hit. If it sucks, then it sucks. Most of the stuff I’ve seen looks pretty good and are a hell
of a lot better than the crap I’m producing.

I hope to post more tee shirt graphics in the future. Let me know if you dig.

Who knew that there were so many things to make fun of out there?

Thanks to the first million readers* that have visited since this site went live. You guys are what makes us work so hard and keep bringing to your attention, those things that we think but do not say.

Here’s to the next million!

*”millions of readers” can be interpreted in multiple ways. One way is to imagine all the readers that could, if they all knew the address and were all bored at the same time, be potentially visiting this site. Instead of the three regular visitors; me, my girlfriend and me again (from another ip address).

After a hit movie comes out, the usual array of movie tie-in merchandising follows, Happy Meal toys, embroidered sweaters, caps, bags, fruit slushy drinks, sponsored popcorn, bags of chips, cereal etc etc.

Where along that line of thought did someone go, “ok, we’ve got the tv and magazine and radio covered, we’ve hit all the bus and el stations this side of Times Square, we’ve done the Worlds Series and the Superbowl and the NBA championships… if only we could now get that one last elusive and influential, trend setting market sector; the ice show crowd.”

Who the fuck goes to see Ice Shows any way? And why? I get the graceful and balletic nature of figure skating, and the romantic elements of two skaters effortless moving over a ‘frozen lake’ and all that stuff. But somehow, the delicacy and skillful flow of action seem to be lost on me when the skaters are dressed as Woody and Buzz Lightyear.

Why does it make sense to make a smash hit animated movie into a ice driven extravaganza? Is it interesting to somehow ‘reinterpret’ the deeper issues of a child’s recklessness and a parent’s anxieties, as featured in “Finding Nemo”, by ‘taking it on ice’?

The only thing that ever needs to be on ice, is a large Bombay and tonic.

If you must go, then go check your local listings for upcoming events.