the things we think but do not say

I got a new iPod touch today and boy is it a sweet piece of tech..

Now the number one question that I expect to answer is this: “Why didn’t you get an iPhone dude?”

Well the answer is complicated. I have a a corporate phone from work and they’re unsurprisingly, not supporting them. For one, AT&T is holding up transfers of corporate work accounts from ‘personal’ phones like the iPhone (weird eh?) plus there’s no real MS Exchange server support for it either. This would mean that all I’d be carrying around in my pocket would be a cellular web browser to get my Outlook email and appointments. Not that smart, when really, my Blackjack does a very competent job of that.

For anyone that has a corporate email phone like the Blackberry, the iPhone just doesn’t quite handle it all that well. For everyone else, it’s bloody amazing.

Now, this leaves me with two possible iPhone routes: hack one OR get one and take myself off the corporate plan. And while I’m happy to give throw money at Apple, I’m less excited at giving money to AT&T again.

And hacking the iPhone is just too fraught with danger since there is now an established cat and mouse game between Apple and the hacking community to one-up each other.

While I could potentially live with a hacked iPod touch that didn’t work every now and, I couldn’t live with a temperamental cellphone. It’s just plain irresponsible of me to have an dodgy iPhone just because I wanted one so bad.

So the iPod touch it was for me.

Tragically for me, only a few weeks ago I was the happy owner of a recent, fully functioning iPod nano 8gb. It was black, tiny, and very easy to lose. Which is exactly what I did coming back from New York in the back of a cab leaving La Guardia. And not only that, I managed to lose in the same little bundle my pair of kick ass in-ear headphones by Shure which I got custom fitted ear molds. Ugh.

Clearly, losing two iPods in less that four months is not funny, so I have to be super vigilant with this one. Having your car broken into is not anyone fault, per se, but forgetting stuff in the back of a cab is.

I’ll give a better report of my findings as I learn them.

Incidentally, I bought this today and it came preloaded with the 1.1.1 firmware update.

Last week I left Chicago for a project out here in California. I’m working Palo Alto and thankfully staying in San Francisco. Palo Alto still sucks ass. One morning though while standing in Peets Coffee, waiting for my ’small-mocha-no-whip’, I saw the local rag that passes as a newspaper around here, the Palo Alto Daily News. The headlines run like, “Local patron buys more shitty art to hang on wall already used for self conscious party conversation.” or “Sometimes bad things happen to good/rich people”.

But a little gem of an advert for calendars caught my eye, with it’s catchy uplifting tone:

“It’s not too late to start the year off right! Your favourite calendars are here. Step by and pick up a couple.”

Brought to you by your good friends at Roller Hapgood and Tinney, Funeral Directors.

Err.. what? Hold on a sec.

Who in their right mind uses a calendar with a massive endorsement from a funeral home, stuck to their fridge? “Ok, wednesday is dinner with the Nussbaums, thursday is Karen’s recital… oh look, Roller Hapgood and Tinney are having a sale on caskets this Saturday!”

And what’s this in the ad copy about “your favourite calendars are here”? Does that mean that they had a bunch printed last year and they’re back by popular demand? Were “Puppies in a casket 2005″ a huge hit?

It feels like I’m watching Six Feet Under.

Wow. I just found this on this buried somewhere deep on the Skymall website. I’ve copied and pasted the text for your benefit.

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Looking to turn a new page on your career? Think the Bard’s work is good, but yours is better? Have you ever read a cliche but thought you could give it some cache? Well today is your lucky day.

Skymall, the best selling “in flight” and online retail experience is looking for exciting new writers to join our top notch writing team in phenomenal, Phoenix, AZ. Like a bird rising from the ashes (of your English degree) you too can make a living from writing. That’s write!

Our thoroughbred writing studs are like a who’s who of English graduates* from places like Harvard**, Yale*** and Stanford****! We know the best because we are the most best.

Ever think about going on a caffeine fueled rampage at your next ‘town hall’ meeting? Or wanted to staple all you co-workers’ mouths shut from all the inane drivel they talk about at the water cooler? Well, our writing staff haven’t done anything like that yet (fingers crossed!) but that’s because we’re confident that our great benefits package is the best in the whole world.

Complete health coverage, using the latest in Feng-shui, Kung-Pao and Mu-shu techniques, so all our associates are in tip-top shape. (Skymall does not endorse the use of MSG in any of it’s offices.)

Lots of 401(k) stuff. Can you spell b-o-r-i-n-g? Let’s get back to your crazy benefits package…

Full access to the most advanced health equipment this side of the planet. Like the Resistance Chair with an easy-paced, low-impact exercise program you can add years of health, happiness and vitality.

And finally, peace of mind knowing that tens of people a day visit our website, and are getting the best value for their products. While keeping our clients personal information Private, their transactions Secure and their satisfaction Satisfied. Now, who can put a price on that?!

Some experience with writing, reading, and general comprehension a plus.
Bonus points (and gold stars!) if you can provide writing samples from “The Sharper Image”, “Hammacher Schlemmer” or “The Gadget Universe”.

So why wait another moment. Send your application, (written by yourself) to:

SkyMall, Inc.
Airline Marketing
1520 E. Pima Street
Phoenix, AZ 85034
Attn: “Next big thing to hit Arizona #332″

* Graduating from high school class of 03-04
**Harvard, Idaho.
***Yale, South Dakota,
****Stanford, Kentucky.
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As I talked about in a previous post, The Wovel is the unholy union of a wheel and shovel. Idiot-savant, or just an idiot? Well, you guessed; there’s a real, authentic, I strangely attracted website for the Wovel. Where else , but wovel.com

This is a priceless quote from a seemingly real user:
“BELIEVE IT. Best investment I have made in 2005! Cleared off driveway in 35 minutes! Best record prior had been 110 minutes! Duane J.-Indiana”

It’s actually a really well built site, with tons of news (?!), videos, tips and info and even reviews and awards. Yeah, I checked, my review isn’t there. Shame.

A few months back I had a fact checker from Business 2.0 magazine called me. She wanted to verify a few things for an interview I had with a writer the other week. It was the first time any one wanted to check my facts. The article is a clever piece by a writer called Rachel Wong about air travel and the tricks people have to make it work better, quicker, cheaper or just plain more fun. I’m in it for just a line but it’s rather thrilling seeing your name in a real magazine.

If you remember I took a mileage run this time last year (on Christmas Day in fact) from Chicago to LA, then to Oakland, then to Las Vegas and then back to Chicago all in the space of about 20hrs. I really, really wanted to make it to Premier Executive status with United Airlines.

Premier Executive status is reached when you travel at least 50,000 Elite Qualifying Miles in a calendar year. That’s about one trip a month domestic, and a couple of trips to Europe or one trip to Asia, in a year.

After a year of god like superiority over mere mortals and Premier status fliers, I can tell you this:

It’s not worth it.

Sure. Getting 100% bonus miles all year when I fly is nice, but really it just means that you’re away a lot. I know a few people that are in the next level above Premier Executive. The mysterious and shadowy world of the 1K crowd. These poor bastards fly 100,000 EQM a year. I don’t know how that manage it. You’re never home dude!

My girlfriend told me once that of all the time we’ve been together, I’ve been here for about half of it.
I think it’s time I start putting my seat in an upright position.

And it’s not as though being Premier Executive gets you into those sneaky Red Carpet Club lounges much either. That’s still another $699 a year! (It’s apparently only $350 if I join up now while I hold me lofty status.)

Thankfully I’ve had exit row seats the last dozen or so times, but I suspect that’s more down to my travel agent than anything else. By the way, if you’d like me to pass on the best damn travel agent this side of Texas then drop me a line.

Janine. You’re the best thing about traveling.

But the other thing that I’ve realized after almost five years of work travel, is that I’m getting a little sick of it. And I do mean sick of it. Every time I fly now, I’m left feeling nauseous for hours after. It’s not good I tell you. I used to love flying. I used to love jetting off to somewhere thinking I was the shit and being all cool… but now it’s just means I’m away a lot.

Looks like I’m going to lose my status this year. I think I’ll be ok.

Oh, dearest wovel. Let me count the ways that I love thee:

You have an emormous hay cart sized wheel in the middle of your body.
You are the illegitimate brain child of a snow shovel and a wheel barrow.
You are more unwieldy that either a snow shovel or a wheel barrow.
You take up more room than six snow shovels or two wheel barrows.
You were made into a real product while bypassing all known ‘go/no go’ process gates that any other product in the world normally goes through.
You cost over $100
You weigh 28lbs.

You are my wovel. And I want you.

Ps. take a look at the ‘additional views’ of the wovel in action. It’s so exciting to see!

I’d like to take this opportunity (my blog) to feature a few of my favourites from the new Holiday issue of Skymall this year (out now!). Maybe it’ll be a mini series over the next few posts. I’ll write my bit first, then I’ll seamlessly transition into the real Skymall blurb.

First up is a real ‘innovation’ in the ‘traditional’ world of ’shirt making’ and ‘tailoring’.

“Remember the last time when you’ve been getting ready for a date and you’ve spent hours agonising over which shirt/tie combo to wear, only to have to ‘conform’ to ’social norms’ about what’s ‘appropriate’? Every time you and all those other schmucks wear, a ’shirt’ and ‘tie’ and simply let that collar cover up that prized, silken jewel, you’re just doing what the ‘fashionistas’ are telling you to do. Are you’re a man that doesn’t listen to ‘common sense’? No! You make your own rules. Where do you think ‘common sense’ comes from? That’s right. Common people.

Well, It’s finally here. The shirt that allows you to show off your expensive ties ~what a great idea~ Weave them through the collar of this unique design to create a masterpiece that’s all your own. Perfect for the man who has everything! Exclusively fashioned with American ingenuity and European style. Exquisite craftsmanship, shaped fit, superior quality fabric, double pearl buttoned cuffs.
Choose from three colors: Winter Frost White, Sky Blue, Midnight Black.
Original Woven Collar Shirt.

Yours for $227.00 Get it here.

Ok, I can’t keep it in anymore. WTF is this guys wearing? And why is he so happy? Maybe he’s the ‘inventor’ and he loves that fact that each shirt cost about the same as an iPod nano. And what she so bloody happy about? “Ha ha ha, I’m with a guy that wearing a double breasted suit and an original woven collar shirt. Wow, I’ve hit jackpot with this bread winner.”

I’d love to go totally nuts on this one. I’d love to say that this is beyond most boundaries of bad taste. I’d love to talk about how this unholy union of religious material and cheap plastic injection molding have made this new genre of “religitech”. Or is that “faith based memory”?

But I won’t. I’ll just let you read the real blurb from Skymall themselves. Who better to be a vessel for the Lord himself, than a large corporation, with a 1-800 number.

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Carry The Holy Bible in Your Pocket
Now you can enjoy the scriptures any time you want with this remarkable USB Holy Bible. The complete Bible is contained in a fixed memory test file format that you can easily access through your computer or notebook’s USB port. Small enough to put on your key chain, the USB Holy Bible has a highly detailed leather look with gold lettering to make it an attractive and meaningful piece to carry with you . Dimensions: 1.4″.
Get is here for $29.99..
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Ps.
When I was on a flight recently and saw this in Skymall, I swear to God, but there was a guy a few seats over that was actually reading from the Bible. As I walked passed him when I alighted from the plane, I casually dropped the magazine in the seat next to him, with the page, left accidentally on the page with the USB Bible.

I looked back and he looked uninterrested in it.

Shame.

I don’t even know where to begin with this one.

Can you imagine how awkward it would be to come over for dinner (presumably for the first time) and find standing next to the dining table is this blistering example high style? The bottles fit in ‘his’ freakin’ legs for goodness sakes. Seriously, if I ever meet a ‘Francophile’ that has one of these in their house, I walk. I’ll look for the nearest sortie and never regarder de retour.

I mean come on. Who is buying this rubbish? Who is falling for this faux French, “Oh I do love the Bordeaux region this time of year” bollocks? Do good, honest, hard working Americans really think that saying tres makes anything feel more French? Does anyone in France even wear berets anymore? Maybe they have then in storage next to their horizontally striped long sleeve tops.

Wearing a beret, does not a French man make!

But enough from me, I should let mon ami Henri, speak for himself.

A Wine Rack Extraordinaire!
Our tres french floor model Henri holds up to 14 bottles of your favorite vin, plus 4 stem glasses and towels (not included). A 10″ glass top tray is perfect for pouring. The Henri Tabletop holds one bottle at the perfect angle for proper storage. In black-finish wrought iron. $119.00 plus s+h.

I read Skymall magazine for many reasons. Sometimes its because I’m bored out my mind waiting on a runway to take off. Sometimes its because I have a haven’t written a post in a while and need some new material. And then sometimes its because I have a little friend that’s in need of a nice new pair of booties. And on this latest trip, the moons were in alignment or something, because all my wishes were answered.

Now where do I begin with this one? Who in their right mind would do such an blantant act of animal abuse as to subject ‘man’s best friend’ to four crap high tops as these? What is going on here people?

I think that making your pets wear rediculous outfits like this is as bad as other common forms of abuse; like making them wear sunglasses, or wear little jackets in the winter. This madness has got to stop!

If you don’t believe nature and evolution are not working their magic (ie, your dog having perfectly functional paws) then get your Fetchers here. They’re only $29.99. As always, the original writing is below:

FETCHERS are the original dog shoes to the stars!
FETCHERS, the only brand handcrafted with high quality leather, rubber sole, rear zipper and Velcro strap for the best fit and most comfort. FETCHERS protect your loved ones from high temperature pavement, ground debris, bacteria and winter conditions. So protect your loved ones with their very own set of four FETCHERS!